Fight With Me Like You Love Me: 5 Questions to Change the Way You Fight

Conflict doesn’t have to mean disconnection. At Thrive, we believe that the way couples fight can be one of the strongest indicators of relationship health. The Gottman Method teaches us that all couples argue. What sets strong relationships apart is the ability to repair, stay curious, and return to each other with love.

When couples begin to approach conflict as a chance to understand, rather than to win, everything changes.

Below are five Gottman-informed questions we often explore with couples. Each one helps move the conversation away from blame and toward understanding, empathy, and emotional safety.

“What were the moments that I misunderstood or dismissed you?”
In conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in being right and miss the ways we unintentionally invalidate our partner. This question invites self-reflection and opens the door to repair. It asks: Where did I lose you? When did you feel alone?
Why it matters: Gottman’s research shows that small moments of repair, especially during or right after conflict, are one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success.

“How do you feel when we argue, and what helps you feel safe again?”
Every nervous system responds to conflict differently. Some people shut down. Others panic. Some get louder. This question helps couples slow down and notice what’s happening emotionally and physiologically and what helps bring each person back to safety.
Why it matters: Conflict often escalates because both partners feel unsafe. When couples understand how to co-create emotional safety, they’re more likely to stay regulated and connected, even when disagreeing.

“What’s one thing I could do differently when we have conflict?”
This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being teachable. This question shifts the dynamic from blame to shared responsibility. It signals a willingness to grow and meet your partner in their needs.
Why it matters: In the Gottman Method, shifting from defensiveness to accountability is a game changer. It keeps the emotional climate open, rather than closed off by criticism or contempt.

“Is there anything unresolved between us that we need to talk about?”
Sometimes, the current fight isn’t really about the dishwasher or the text message. It’s about something unspoken, unfinished, or long-held. This question helps couples surface those hidden layers with honesty and care.
Why it matters: Unaddressed hurts linger in the background and fuel future conflict. By surfacing them gently, couples can break patterns and create closure.

“What’s your biggest fear when we’re in conflict?”
Every argument has a tender spot underneath, a fear of not being enough, not being heard, or being abandoned. This question brings that vulnerability to the surface, which creates an opening for empathy.
Why it matters: According to Gottman, turning toward vulnerability is what allows partners to feel emotionally safe and bonded, even during hard conversations.

At Thrive, We Help Couples Fight Differently
The goal of conflict isn’t to win. It’s to understand. It’s to move from reactivity to connection. From assumptions to insight. From rupture to repair.

At Thrive, we help couples practice this kind of love-in-action. Our work is rooted in the Gottman Method, and we offer both weekly couples therapy and intensive sessions. Intensives are designed for partners who want to make meaningful progress in a shorter amount of time.

Whether you’re feeling stuck in patterns of disconnection or ready to rebuild after a rupture, our Gottman Method Intensives offer the space, structure, and support to begin again with clarity and compassion.

Let’s help you learn to fight. Like you love each other.