“What Happened to Me?”: How Childhood Experiences Shape Us and How Healing Begins
If you've ever found yourself asking:
Why do I panic when someone raises their voice, even when I know I’m not in danger?
Why do I stay in relationships that drain me?
Why can’t I just “get over” things like other people seem to?
You're not alone, and you're not broken.
In their powerful book What Happened to You?, Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry explore the idea that many of the struggles we face as adults are not signs of weakness or failure. They are the imprint of what we lived through, especially during our most vulnerable years.
What If It's Not "What's Wrong with Me?" But "What Happened to Me?"
Dr. Perry, a neuroscientist and trauma expert, explains that the brain develops in response to experience. When those early experiences involve chronic stress, neglect, or emotional unpredictability, the brain adapts to help us survive. Unfortunately, those adaptations can leave us struggling later in life.
Maya, 38 “I feel numb around my kids. I should feel more.”
Maya is a warm, thoughtful mother of two, but she often feels emotionally distant. She’s present physically, but something inside her feels shut off.
Growing up, Maya was never hit or screamed at. But her parents were emotionally unavailable. She learned early that expressing needs got her nowhere, so she stopped trying.
Now, as an adult, when her children need comfort or big emotions arise, Maya freezes. She tells herself she’s cold or defective. In reality, her body is still stuck in an old blueprint: stay quiet to stay safe. Therapy is helping Maya reconnect to her emotional world, not by forcing feelings, but by slowly building safety and trust in the therapeutic relationship.
Jamal, 29 “I’m either numb or I explode.”
Jamal works in tech. He’s smart, capable, and exhausted. In relationships, he either shuts down or lashes out.
When his partner forgets to call or criticizes him, Jamal goes from calm to furious or falls into silence for days.
He grew up in a chaotic home with frequent yelling and unpredictable punishment. His nervous system learned to always be ready to defend himself and to trust no one.
Jamal once thought he had anger issues. Now he’s learning that his brain is wired to respond to even mild conflict as if it were life-or-death. With his therapist, Jamal is exploring how to recognize when he’s triggered and use grounding tools to find his way back to regulation, something he never learned growing up.
Priya, 44 “Everyone says I’m strong. I just feel tired.”
On the outside, Priya has it together. She’s a leader at work, the go-to friend, the family problem-solver. But inside, she feels anxious, detached, and like no one really knows her.
Priya was the oldest child in an immigrant family. From a young age, she was expected to hold it together, take care of younger siblings, and never burden her parents. She learned to be the strong one, the dependable one, the invisible one.
Now, in therapy, she’s unraveling those patterns. She’s discovering that her people-pleasing wasn’t a personality trait. It was a survival strategy. And it’s okay to want more, to need help, to rest.
What the Book Offers and Why Therapy Helps
What Happened to You? explains how the brain and body store trauma. Healing happens not through insight alone, but through safe, rhythmic, relational experiences. Therapy offers that.
You don’t have to relive your worst memories. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to start with curiosity and compassion for yourself.
Healing often starts with simple, powerful truths:
You are not broken.
Your reactions make sense in the context of what you’ve lived through.
It’s possible to rewire your nervous system, not overnight, but with time and support.
If Maya, Jamal, or Priya sound like you, know this: there is a path forward. You don’t have to keep living in survival mode. What happened to you matters, and so does what happens next.
Whether you pick up the book, begin therapy, or simply start naming what you’ve been carrying, you’re already doing something courageous.
Healing doesn’t start with fixing what’s wrong. It starts with understanding what happened and learning that you don’t have to carry it alone anymore.
Disclaimer: The stories of Maya, Jamal, and Priya are composite, hypothetical examples inspired by common themes in trauma-informed therapy. They are not real individuals but reflect real patterns and challenges that many people experience.
