Why You Might Be Blaming Yourself After a Perinatal Loss

Understanding Your Grief, Guilt, and the Need for Control

If you’ve lost a pregnancy or a baby, and you find yourself blaming yourself—even when people around you tell you it wasn’t your fault—you’re not alone.

Many grieving parents carry guilt. They go over every detail. Every appointment. Every symptom. Every choice. And even when they know, deep down, that they did everything they could, they still feel responsible. They still ask, “What if?”

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.

Blaming yourself doesn’t mean the loss was your fault. It means you loved deeply. It means you wanted to protect your baby. And when something happened that was beyond your control, your mind tried to make sense of it the only way it knew how—by looking inward.

You may have followed every rule, eaten all the right foods, made every appointment, read every book. You may have been careful, thoughtful, attentive. And yet, you experienced loss. That gap between what you gave and what happened can feel unbearable. Sometimes guilt fills the space.

It’s also what the world teaches us. That a “good” parent protects. That if something went wrong, someone must be to blame. And when no one has answers, we often turn that blame on ourselves.

But you did not fail.

Your grief is searching for meaning. Your heart is trying to understand what happened and why. Guilt can feel like a way to stay close to your baby. A way to say, “I should have kept you safe,” because that’s what loving parents want to do.

Sometimes guilt feels like the only thing keeping the connection alive. But love is the connection. Not blame. Not pain. You do not have to suffer in order to stay close to your baby.

If you’re working with a therapist or just beginning to process your grief, here are some ways that healing can begin:

Start with someone who will simply listen. Not try to fix or reassure you right away. Just hear you. If you can talk about the guilt out loud, it loses some of its power.

Ask yourself what the guilt is really saying. Maybe it’s saying, “I loved you so much, I would have done anything for you.” That’s the truth underneath the blame. And that’s the truth that matters.

Try this: Imagine a friend in your exact situation. What would you say to her? Could you offer her the kindness she deserves? And if you can, would you be willing—just a little—to try offering it to yourself too?

There are other ways to stay connected to your baby. You can name them. Write them letters. Light a candle on special days. Plant something in their memory. Create a space in your home or in your heart that says, “You were here. You mattered. And you are loved.”

If your guilt is tied to a traumatic birth, a sudden emergency, or things that happened too fast to process, you may need time to feel safe again. Gentle breathing, mindfulness, or grounding exercises can help your body begin to settle. You don’t have to face the hard parts until your nervous system is ready.

You may also be stuck in “What if” thoughts. What if I had gone in sooner? What if I had done something differently? These questions can spin and spin. When you’re ready, try gently asking yourself, “What do I actually know to be true?” What happened was not your fault.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean moving on. It means learning to carry your grief with less pain, more love, and a little more compassion for yourself.

You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. You can still love your baby deeply without punishing yourself.

And when the waves of grief or guilt return, that doesn’t mean you’re back at the beginning. It just means your love is still alive, and you are still healing.

We are holding you in our hearts. And if you need support, we are here. (Contact Us)

You don’t have to do this alone.